For Making Me a Mother

I made you with my body
Before you, it had only recently occurred to me that my body was capable of things that were good and useful
I was still getting used to that idea when you appeared;
Just a little pink line, barely there at all. I needed visual confirmation from a colleague to even believe it
She said, “oh yeah. that person is pregnant as heck”.
And I was.

I felt my hands sweat and my heart race as I held that little plastic cartridge, just one of many strewn about the lab at work, thinking
Ohhhh man your dad is gonna be so scared and so overwhelmed and so happy
And he was.

I tucked it in my pocket, and presented it as a very early Christmas gift.
Your dad said, “2 lines is good, right?”
And it was.

You grew your own prehensile limbs and organs with very little input from me
Which was nice, because I was so tired.

The first time I saw your little heart blip, it was so tiny, barely there at all
And 4 weeks later when I saw you moving and dancing and flailing your tiny limbs I wondered
What made you so busy.
I never wanted anything more than for your heart to keep beating and those limbs to keep growing
And they did.

You grew so fast, and so did I.
Sometimes you pressed on my ribs so hard I thought they would break.
I tried to move your foot away, but you would just put it back.
People said I should be so proud of my body’s hard work.
And I was.

You came all at once in a rush of blood, sweat and tears. Suddenly my beating, bleeding heart was outside my body.
I was not ready for the gaping wound it left in my ribcage that I could not seem to close, for weeks.
Everything felt so big, too big, I was drowning. Too much love, too much fear, too much change.
And it was!

Now, 4.5 months in, your chubby, drool-soaked little hands press the wound closed every time you smile at me or laugh or touch my face.
When you pull open my sweater collar and yell down into the abyss.
Every time I see you looking up at your dad with obvious delight at 7am.

And I can’t help but gaze at you in wonder.  Because you are wonderful.

I made you with my body.
For Eamon G A Sun, born December 26, 2016
Mother’s Day 2017